Wow! I am actually blogging. I felt the need to journal tonight, and didn't really want to just make a quick remark on facebook. So... this is where I found myself. I haven't blogged in a long time (I know, typical me).
I guess I'll start with last night. After the boys were in bed, I just enjoyed some quiet time waiting for Ryan to finish his ten page psychology paper. The past week and a half had been one of a lot of work. Ryan worked so diligently reading, studying, and writing. I worked hard taking care of the boys, cleaning house, and trying to take care of myself and this precious baby girl in my belly.
I eventually came and laid in bed around 9:30 and Ryan soon joined me. I didn't feel defensive, or angry, or stressed at the moment. That would soon all change. Ryan brought up to me some possibilities of what might happen if the Lord didn't allow us to be accepted into a pharmacy program. This is our last year to be accepted and one that seems to be of most imprtance. His first thought was to change his direction with his education and somehow finish his bachelor's degree. Also, we would have to earn more money somehow so he thought of taking on a part-time worship position. (He definitely misses being able to lead people in worship.) These commitments along side working his full-time job at the VA and introducing our new baby girl to our family.
My first thought was... PANIC. I don't know why. Blame it on the hormones. Blame it on being a woman. Blame it on whatever, but I definitely wasn't able to keep my calm. To give a bit of background without a long story I will share some of why I felt panicked. Ryan led worship for years before and during the first few years of our marriage. There are memories of those time that I hold very dear to me. Others that make me cringe. The title of a part-time worship pastor does not hold the involvement of part-time. It is a full-time job! While leading worship, he also attended school either at campus or online. At the time we didn't have any children (I was pregnant with Andrew during the end of our ministry calling), so it was just us. I loved to lead music with my husband and felt close to him when we practiced, played, and sang together. I won't lie. This time was also very difficult for me. I tried very hard to please other people and wanted to live up to the expectations of what a pastor's wife should look like (or at least what I thought she might look like). I grew weary of every thing that comes a long with being the wife of a pastor, student, and full-time employee. One of my needs in my marriage is quality time. I hold this very dear to me. Probably more than anything else.
Eventually, we found ourselves realizing God had brought us to our end of leading people in worship. At least for the time being. There were many things that factored into this. We felt a strong calling to follow after finishing Ryan's pharmacy degree as well as some other things that I may be led to share in the future. Honestly, I was excited to be done with ministry. I knew that this road would be a truly hard one, but I for some reason saw and still see some hope of a life filled with time spent with my husband.
I have a strong desire to spend a lot of time with my family. That includes Ryan. I see that a life in pharmacy could potentially give us that. It would fulfill a strong desire of Ryan's to finish his degree and the desire to help people with their health. For me, my husband would be happy and I would be happy. I see the life of a pastor and his family one of time spent with others mainly. This is where I feel torn.
God has in every way called us to serve and love one another. This means spending time with people. He has not called us to a life of mediocrity. He does not desire for us to work our 9-5 jobs and then come home, spending our other hours solely with our families. Whether you are a family being paid to minister to others or not, God still calls us to a life of ministry.
When Ryan brought up the thought of leaving a church that I love, possibly lead worship for another church, I put up my brick wall. I in no way shape or form want to go back to that life. The life of working a job, doing school, and having all of the commitments that come along side of leading worship, now with children. I don't know how in the world I could handle that.
So tonight, while waiting for Ryan to come home from school, I read. I flipped open my Bible and found a passage in Habakkuk. Chapter 3, verses 17-19. "Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength...".
I find myself scared and wanting to feel hopeless. The right thing to say is that no matter what happens with pharmacy school, I will still rejoice in the Lord. Of course I will always love God. I have a permanent relationship with Him. BUT... does the thought of the last 4 years of countless nights of studying, tests, managing a new family at times by myself, stress, anxiety, etc., etc., etc. not ending in an acceptance letter to a pharamcy school make me angry? YES! We both truly feel like the Lord has provided over the last few years in ways we can not explain. Times where we said we would quit if the door didn't open. Times when we just wanted to quit because we were just plain done. I find myself wanting to get angry at God for something that hasn't even happened yet.
So what if we don't get accepted? What if the "labor of the olive fails"? Will I still rejoice in the LORD? My desire is that I want to say yes. Right now, I can truly say that I am not there. I can tell you that I would be extremely frustrated. I can say that I would have no idea why God brought us through this path. I can say that the thought of going back to the life of ministry scares me. I don't know that is what God has for us, but why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like all of a sudden I have lost my faith, hope, and trust that God will finish what He has started? What if it doesn't turn out the way that we believed it would?
