Baby Girl's Quilt

Well, I finished my first quilt! I am so proud of it. It does have mistakes which bother me, but... at the same time, I learned a lot from all of those mistakes! I just LOVE the colors that I picked out and the fabrics are way cute:) I was thinking of doing a crib bumper too. With all of my sewing projects in my qeue, we will see if it happens.





Faith, Hope, Trust and the sorts

Wow! I am actually blogging. I felt the need to journal tonight, and didn't really want to just make a quick remark on facebook. So... this is where I found myself. I haven't blogged in a long time (I know, typical me).

I guess I'll start with last night. After the boys were in bed, I just enjoyed some quiet time waiting for Ryan to finish his ten page psychology paper. The past week and a half  had been one of a lot of work. Ryan worked so diligently reading, studying, and writing. I worked hard taking care of the boys, cleaning house, and trying to take care of myself and this precious baby girl in my belly.

I eventually came and laid in bed around 9:30 and Ryan soon joined me. I didn't feel defensive, or angry, or stressed at the moment. That would soon all change. Ryan brought up to me some possibilities of what might happen if the Lord didn't allow us to be accepted into a pharmacy program. This is our last year to be accepted and one that seems to be of most imprtance. His first thought was to change his direction with his education and somehow finish his bachelor's degree. Also, we would have to earn more money somehow so he thought of taking on a part-time worship position. (He definitely misses being able to lead people in worship.) These commitments along side working his full-time job at the VA and introducing our new baby girl to our family.

My first thought was... PANIC. I don't know why. Blame it on the hormones. Blame it on being a woman. Blame it on whatever, but I definitely wasn't able to keep my calm. To give a bit of background without a long story I will share some of why I felt panicked. Ryan led worship for years before and during the first few years of our marriage. There are memories of those time that I hold very dear to me. Others that make me cringe. The title of a part-time worship pastor does not hold the involvement of part-time. It is a full-time job! While leading worship, he also attended school either at campus or online. At the time we didn't have any children (I was pregnant with Andrew during the end of our ministry calling), so it was just us. I loved to lead music with my husband and felt close to him when we practiced, played, and sang together. I won't lie. This time was also very difficult for me. I tried very hard to please other people and wanted to live up to the expectations of what a pastor's wife should look like (or at least what I thought she might look like). I grew weary of every thing that comes a long with being the wife of a pastor, student, and full-time employee. One of my needs in my marriage is quality time. I hold this very dear to me. Probably more than anything else.

Eventually, we found ourselves realizing God had brought us to our end of leading people in worship. At least for the time being. There were many things that factored into this. We felt a strong calling to follow after finishing Ryan's pharmacy degree as well as some other things that I may be led to share in the future. Honestly, I was excited to be done with ministry. I knew that this road would be a truly hard one, but I for some reason saw and still see some hope of a life filled with time spent with my husband.

 I have a strong desire to spend a lot of time with my family. That includes Ryan. I see that a life in pharmacy could potentially give us that. It would fulfill a strong desire of Ryan's to finish his degree and the desire to help people with their health. For me, my husband would be happy and I would be happy. I see the life of a pastor and his family one of time spent with others mainly. This is where I feel torn.

God has in every way called us to serve and love one another. This means spending time with people. He has not called us to a life of mediocrity. He does not desire for us to work our 9-5 jobs and then come home, spending our other hours solely with our families. Whether you are a family being paid to minister to others or not, God still calls us to a life of ministry.

When Ryan brought up the thought of leaving a church that I love, possibly lead worship for another church, I put up my brick wall. I in no way shape or form want to go back to that life. The life of working a job, doing school, and having all of the commitments that come along side of leading worship, now with children. I don't know how in the world I could handle that.

So tonight, while waiting for Ryan to come home from school, I read. I flipped open my Bible and found a passage in Habakkuk. Chapter 3, verses 17-19. "Though the fig tree may not blossom, nor fruit be on the vines; Though the labor of the olive may fail, and the fields yield no food; Though the flock may be cut off from the fold, and there be no herd in the stalls- Yet I will rejoice in the LORD, I will joy in the God of my salvation. The Lord God is my strength...".

I find myself scared and wanting to feel hopeless. The right thing to say is that no matter what happens with pharmacy school, I will still rejoice in the Lord. Of course I will always love God. I have a permanent relationship with Him. BUT... does the thought of the last 4 years of countless nights of studying, tests, managing a new family at times by myself, stress, anxiety, etc., etc., etc. not ending in an acceptance letter to a pharamcy school make me angry? YES! We both truly feel like the Lord has provided over the last few years in ways we can not explain. Times where we said we would quit if the door didn't open. Times when we just wanted to quit because we were just plain done. I find myself wanting to get angry at God for something that hasn't even happened yet.

So what if we don't get accepted? What if the "labor of the olive fails"? Will I still rejoice in the LORD? My desire is that I want to say yes. Right now, I can truly say that I am not there. I can tell you that I would be extremely frustrated. I can say that I would have no idea why God brought us through this path. I can say that the thought of going back to the life of ministry scares me. I don't know that is what God has for us, but why am I so afraid? Why do I feel like all of a sudden I have lost my faith, hope, and trust that God will finish what He has started? What if it doesn't turn out the way that we believed it would?

Fire Burns

To one of my readers:


"How is someone to learn to deal with them if it feels like they never stop And to me for someone who is trying to lead a good life and walk down the right roads comes to a place where they have no idea what direction they think should take. And when they do decide to make a choice will it be good or bad and while most people are hoping for the best are thinking they are going to get the worst." We can NEVER expect to get through this life and all of it's trials on our own. Sometimes it does feel as if the trials never end. Sometimes even when we do good or do the right thing, it seems as if the situation still turns around on us and bites us in the butt. BUT... there is HOPE. We are not expected to walk through this life on our own. First we must see that as truth. We must see that we NEED something more than ourselves and that we are NOT sufficient. So what is this thing that we need? We need Jesus Christ. That is the relationship I had talked to you about in the past. Being a good person, choosing the right path is important, but in the end... iIT'S NOT ENOUGH. We have to realize that we need Christ and we can lean on Him when we face those many trials. He wants us to depend on Him for help. I pray that God will start to reveal more of Him to you. He is REAL, He offers forgiveness for everything we could ever do... this includes everything. Believe me, He has seen it all. The point is... we can not go through it alone, God will provide, and trials are meant to make us more perfect. They are not fun. Trials are like fire. They burn, they are very painful sometimes. but in the end they are burning off all of the junk that make us dirty. Here is what I mean- out of the mouth of another: The Refiner's Fire Zechariah 13-14, Revelation 21 Key Verse: Zechariah 13:9 The process of refining metals is used in the Bible as a metaphor of spiritual purification. In a sense, if you have something made of pure gold or pure silver, it is made of the leftovers. Refining is a process by which everything else is removed and only the pure metal remains. It is accomplished through firing, putting the metal over the fire until it is a liquid from which can be drawn all the dross. Our lives are not pure gold by any means. God's desire is that we be holy as He is holy. That means there are things that need to be removed from our lives. It also means that He will assist in that process! God's intent is not to destroy us but to purify us. Sometimes His method is akin to the intense heat of the refiner's fire. Our response to the process is crucial. We can either allow Him to work in our lives, cooperating in removing that which is impure, or we can resist or rebel. To His people, God sent the message through the prophet Zechariah that He would "refine them like silver and test them like gold" (13:9). That is painful, but look at the promise: "They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The LORD is our God.'" The blessing will be ours. Don't resist or rebel against God's refining fire. Learn from the tough times. Look for the ways in which God is using your difficulties to refine you.

James 1:1-8

James, a bondservant (one who is bound to service without wage) of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ, To the twelve tribes which are scattered abroad:  Greetings.


vs 2-8 My brothers, count is all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally without disapproval, and it WILL be given to him. But let him ask in FAITH, WITHOUT DOUBTING, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let that man not expect to receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man (divided in his interests or loyalties, wavering, uncertain, two-faced, half-hearted), unstable in All his ways.

Wow, so much to get out of this passage. James is one of my favorite books of the Bible. We ALL face trials. Trials of many kinds. Your trial may be just your day in general. Your trial may be one of your health. Your trial may be fighting the emotions inside you. Your trial may be your marriage. Whatever your trial, we all have them. A lot of times, we have many more than just one.

James tells us to "consider" it or "count" it joy when we are dealing with our trials. Who thinks that it is a joy to be in a trial? Certainly not me! He tells us this because our trials will ALWAYS produce patience. The purpose of patience is to make us perfect and complete, not lacking in anything.

James goes on to tell us to ask God for wisdom in our trials without doubting Him. How hard is it for me (and you) to not doubt our God when we are being tested by trials?

Faith- being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see.

How do we know what we are to put our hope in? Of course we do not want to put our faith in something that does not exist or something that is going to fail us in the end. So the only things that I know as truth and things that are promised are things that God has given me from His word. These are the things I MUST put my Hope in. These are the things I must set my mind on. Especially in the midst of a trial.  I must ask with confidence. God will give me these things FREELY. He actually wants to give them to me!

Well these are my thoughts for the day:) Feel free to post your thoughts on this or even how this passage has spoken to you. I love to see how God is working in others' lives.

Finished!

I walk by my sewing desk everyday. Lots of times a day. I see project that I have started. I wonder why I have never finished them. I pick up my applique piece that I had started what seemed like forever ago. I set it down. I do this quite a few times a week, always thinking... "I am going to finish that someday". Well I finally finished one of my projects! And here it is! I must say that is looks way cooler in person, but you get the idea:)